i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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