apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
