My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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