Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
