At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
