did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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