Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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