my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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