Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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