This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
