The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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