im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
