I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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