He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
