I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
