Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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