i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
