There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
