I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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