my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
