The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
