Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
