Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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