Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
