what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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