I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
People in love make me want to vomit
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
