I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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