i already hear my dad disowning me
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I need to align my fucking chakras
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
