Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
