4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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