i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
