Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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