The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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