Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
