Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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