he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
