Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
