After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
