I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
