My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
