i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
