This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
