Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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