dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
