I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
