watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Randomize
