did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
