i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
