I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
