I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
