Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
